Hard Lessons in Wisdom

By Anne Jackson

Published: April 23, 2009

Our current series at Westside is called One Simple Question and is about making wise decisions. (In case you’re wondering, the one simiple question is, “In light of my past, my present and my future…Is this wise?”) Yesterday, Dave talked a little about decision making when you’re naive. Everyone is naive at some point and in some area. He said if you’re a middle schooler, a high schooler or even in your 20’s, you are naive. Not a put down, but you do lack experience because you haven’t had to live with the consequences of your actions…you haven’t carried them in to adulthood yet. So when someone who has gone before you gives you advice, it’s wise to take that into consideration.

I couldn’t agree with him more. I’m in a funny spot right now - still naive in a lot of areas of my life, but at the same time, have gone through some stages where my decisions in my past have caught up with me. I remember being in highschool and my early 20's and putting myself in really stupid situations when it came to guys. I didn’t get a lot of affection growing up, so I found myself trying to do whatever to be accepted in peoples’ eyes…usually older males. I dated guys 10 years older than me, let my 50-year old boss hit on me, and flirted back with the married guys I worked with who would flirt with me. I’d go with them to happy hours and let them buy me drinks. Whatever it took to get that acceptance, I’d pretty much do.

I remember once when I was about 21, I was working at one of the hottest companies in Dallas. My boss (previously mentioned) was a 50 something year old single guy with way too much cash and power. I was engaged to a guy, but would go on “business dinners” with my boss, completely knowing they were anything but that. I got free dinners at fancy, pretentious places that let me drink even though I was only 20. It finally came to a point of realizing…”This is DUMB!” when after one of the dinners, we went back to his place, he was intoxicated, and tried getting physical with me. Luckily, he was drunk enough I managed to get away and the next week changed departments…but at that point, I realized how stupid I was being and even though I was innocently (yet selfishly) doing these things…the effect it could have on my life.

Needless to say, I was confused by this and another situation and ended up calling off my engagement. I started turning down the free drink offers my male coworkers would throw my direction. After a few other really dumb decisions turned around and bit me in the rear-end, I had to leave Dallas, so I moved to Kansas City. I fell in love with Chris. We got married. And in the four years we’ve known each other, we’ve seen several of our friends and acquaintances who are married go through affairs both physical and emotional.

So, how do these two things play out in my life now?

Well, now I know I have a tendency to want guys’ approval and it’s easy to get caught up in innocent flirting when you want attention. But it’s clearly harmful to both people involved. As a girl, I’m not aware of what the other person is really thinking or feeling if I let myself get too friendly, too complimentary or even too encouraging. It’s easy to start getting your needs met or maybe even unknowingly meeting other people’s needs by your actions. You have to be so careful. I was really good friends - best friends - with a guy a few years ago. He was married. I wasn’t. We allowed ourselves to get too close emotionally and it affected his relationship with his wife and harmed our friendship too. The fallout was horrible. Scary how it happens so fast and you don’t even realize it. You have to be so careful.

Now I think I actually close myself off to guys more than necessary. Because of my past experiences (being a “girl” to get what I want, needing affection), my present circumstances (having contact with a lot of guys!) and my future hopes and dreams (a healthy and safe marriage, faithfulness)…I tend to think it’s wise to keep myself as far away from that line as possible.

So…wisdom…If you’re a girl - I don’t care whether you’re married, single, dating, sixteen, whatever…God has made us all beautiful. Take it from someone whose closet is full of old bones…be careful. With what you wear…what you say…and how you act around guys. I know this sounds so grandma of me to say…but if I could go back in time and change those things in my past, I would. One of the hardest conversations I’ve ever had with Chris is telling him my past. When you know you’re with the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with, and you have to tell him about all the stupid things you did…it’s rough. It’s not worth it.

Anne Jackson serves on staff at Cross Point Church in Nashville, Tennessee. Her articles have been published in a variety of print and online magazines, and her blog, Flowerdust.net, is ranked as one of the top blogs in Christian Leadership with hundreds of thousands of pageviews a month. She is an advocate for Compassion International, a down-to-earth communicator, and an all around dreamer. Anne has an unwavering passion to see the Church grow, thrive, and fulfill its purpose. Her book Mad Church Disease (Zondervan), February 2009.