An Emotional Affair
Published: November 02, 2008
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If you’ve watched TV in the last couple of months, you probably would have noticed this is a problem being recognized even outside of our little Christian bubble. On the Today show about a month ago, they had their resident psychologist on talking about emotional affairs. The show created so much buzz, they had her on again and again.
With the introduction of internet communication as well as overworked career minds and the fallout of under met needs, it’s no wonder so many people are struggling getting a grip on their emotions and their thought lives. No longer is it just the suit sleeping with his secretary!but the stay at home mom hooking up with her newly divorced neighbor. The assistant pastor messing around with the woman whose marriage is falling apart.
As a woman, this is an area in my life I have to constantly guard. I remember the first time I was ever in a relationship and betrayed my partner. It was a guy I was engaged to when I was 19.
In high school, I had developed a friendship with another guy we’ll call Rick. After high school, we really didn’t keep in touch until about two years later, he sends me an email and wants to get together. Wanted to see a movie. He was looking good. He was new. He was exciting. And he fed me earfuls of attention. My emotions for him crescendoed.
I began lying to my fiancee about where I was at and whom I was with-and then I got busted. He called my cell phone while we were at another movie—I thought I hit the “ignore” button, but I hit “talk.” He heard the background noises and called me later—asked where I was. I was with Rick.
Something happened not long after Chris and I got married. There was a guy we both knew and for whatever reason, I began getting tons of attention from him. Now that we were married, the whole conviction thing crept in and I told Chris what my mind and emotions were doing.
It was THE scariest thing I have ever done. But I promise you. It is possible. You can tell your spouse what you’ve been going through.
For the most part, after bringing it to the light, the feelings went away. Now anytime I start feeling or thinking something towards another person - which can still happen - I tell him.
There’s a book out there called Every Woman’s Battle and they even have one for teenagers now called Every Young Woman’s Battle. As much as I hate trendy books, this one has some valuable information in it. Whether you’re single or married - emotions are something that need to be guarded. They have to be guarded.
If you’re young - learn how to now. Learn the warning signs early. Guys can have emotional affairs too, so this doesn’t just apply to us girls.
- Are you thinking about someone constantly. Does he or she pop in your head more than a few times a day?
- Do you dress yourself based on who you are going to see (need to impress?) that day? If you know you might run into a particular person, do you make sure you look good?
- Are you always anxiously awaiting a phone call or email from a certain person that isn’t your spouse?
- Do you find yourself thinking, “I wonder if he (or she) finds me attractive?”
- Do you dwell on thoughts of what it would be like to hug, touch or kiss a certain person?
Those are some of the red flags mentioned in the Every Woman’s Battle book that show you might be leaning on the line of an emotional attraction that isn’t healthy. Especially if you’re married or with someone and you’re having these thoughts - talk to someone right away (but not the person you’re having the thoughts about!)
The Bible talks about sex (including thoughts or actions) outside of marriage like this:
“There’s more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact.” (1 Corinthians 6:16a - The Message)
and a few sentences later:
“Run away from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does.” (6:18 - NLT).
Run away-Fast!
Not just from having sex with someone you shouldn’t be having sex with but from your thoughts and your emotions.
We were created to follow our hearts and the desires we feel, but when they lead us away from God’s plan and into someone else’s arms instead (even if it’s just in our imagination), nothing-nothing good can ever come from that.
Please comment below or email me if this is something you’d like to discuss more. This is serious business…and not something to be blown off as just a crush or infatuation.
Anne Jackson serves on staff at Cross Point Church in Nashville, Tennessee. Her book, Mad Church Disease, will be available in February 2009. Anne’s articles have been published in a variety of print and online magazines, and her blog, FlowerDust.net, is ranked as one of the top blogs in Christian Leadership. She is an advocate for Compassion International, a down-to-earth communicator, and an all around dreamer.
Copyright © 2008 Speak Life & Anne Jackson. All rights reserved.
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